On occasion I have Christians ask me about dating unbelievers, usually after they have their sites on someone. I have also counseled many people who have married unbelievers and have regretted it. To be fair, if they didn’t regret it, they wouldn’t be coming to me for counseling. So, I’m not saying that everyone who marries outside of their faith regret it, but there are many who do and their wisdom should give pause to consider the choices involved. To me, this is a matter of wisdom rather than a sin issue. Below is a letter I recently wrote in response to a young lady struggling with this issue.
Dear Friend,
I appreciate you writing to me this very important question of dating an unbeliever. Over the years, I have walked with many people who struggle with this issue. You have shown wisdom in seeking counsel. I read your letter on Thursday when you sent it and I have been pondering ever since how to answer this in a way that you can receive. What I sense from you is that you want to honor God and follow him in everything you do. I know you know your Bible so reminding you that it says we are not to be unequally yoked may not carry as much weight right now as your feelings. Over the years I have counseled many people who are unequally yoked. I believe this Scripture goes way beyond if they are a Christian or not.
The term yoke is referring to the mantle that two oxen carry to pull a cart. If one ox has the idea to go left and the other to go right there is a constant tug of war going on. I think this metaphor goes deeper than just about Christianity. I think a Muslim should marry a Muslim, a self-made man should marry a self-made woman, etc. What we believe matters in close relationships.
When my son was in the military, he was a single man looking for a wife. I encouraged him to find a “military wife” if he was going to stay in the military. What I meant by a “military wife” was a woman who would be alright with her husband being gone on deployment for a year at a time, who would support the US Government calling on him at a moments notice, and who could handle moving 22 times in a 30 year career. This is true of any profession really. A doctor may be called away from the dinner table two to three times a week. A farmer is busy all year long, but at harvest every creature in the house gets a load too heavy to carry, including the dog. I give this same advice to men looking at his wife’s career as well. This is also true for other areas of life such as, do you want to adopt Vietnamese orphan children, travel to African jungles, skydive out of airplanes, become world-renown swing-dance champions, build empire businesses, or watch high octane sporting events every weekend? Perhaps the most important question becomes, what is YOUR purpose on earth and where are YOU being called by God? How does that fit in with someone who doesn’t see God in his life?
I’d like to share with you some common (very common) statements women have said to me who have married non-Christians OR who have become Christians after marriage and their spouses have not.
“I feel so lonely going to church every week by myself. I sit with friends, but it’s not the same.”
“I want so much to share what God is doing in my life, but my husband doesn’t get it.”
“I believe in tithing, but my husband refuses. How can I obey God and respect what my husband wants?”
“I want to be able to have friends from church over but my husband feels awkward.”
“I see couples and families going and doing things together, but no one invites us and when they do I have to say no.”
“I want to teach my children about God but my husband undermines everything I tell them.”
“My husband lies on our taxes and I feel so guilty about that.”
I could go on, but you get the point. These marriages are not going in the same direction. Now, with all that said, I want to make something else clear. Just because they claim to be a Christian doesn’t mean they would make a great, God-fearing, spiritual husband. I’ve met a lot of non-Christian spouses who are wonderful people and some claimants of Christianity who are downright terrible people (though saved by Grace.). So, be careful.
One piece of advice I share with those who ask is to watch how they treat their mothers/fathers. Watch how they treat a waitress. Watch how they treat anyone that they see as “lesser” than themselves. This is how they will eventually treat you. You might think “well he treats others poorly, but he loves me sooooo much he would never treat me like that.” NOT true. I’ve counseled dozens of women who get treated as the “lesser” eventually because that is a part of HIS character.
Here are some questions to ask as you engage with any relationship where feelings of attraction can get in the way. What are the strengths of his character? What are his weaknesses? How does he handle conflict? How does he handle money? Why doesn’t he love God with all of his heart? Is he prideful wanting to run his own life? Or does he just not know the height, the depth, the length, the breadth of God’s enormous goodness? What does he want to do with his life? How would you answer these questions looking at yourself from the outside? If he doesn’t know OR you don’t know yet what you want to do with your life, then pause. Figure that out first. I’m not saying that once you figure that out that any person who doesn’t fit your exact model can’t be a candidate for a relationship. There will always be a molding of two dreams. But can and how they could be molded together is important.
In the area of romantic love our feelings can get the best of us. Are feelings and attraction important? Yes! Absolutely! You will want to be attracted to the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. But we can be attracted to many different people. We can be attracted to other people after we are married. That doesn’t mean we follow our attractions.
This really is one of the most important decisions of your life. Praying for you.
In His Grace,