Love In Any Language

There is much written on the 5 Love Languages.  I’ve read the book, articles about the book, heard sermons, and it comes up in daily conversations.  The original book written by Gary Chapman was published in 1992 and has sold millions of copies.  The premise is that we all give and receive love differently and that we should aim to love those closest to us in the love language they can receive best.  While there are certainly some good takeaways from this book, I think as a culture we are measuring our attempts at loving against these 5 Love Languages, instead of against Scripture.

First Corinthians 13 is the ‘love chapter’ in Scripture.  So if we are going to measure ourselves it would be a good idea to start there.

 ¹If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

This sounds really important!  I can live my entire life faithfully, flawlessly, sacrificially, and with great talent, but if I don’t have love it means nothing.  So. Much. Wow!  Let that sink in.  That means I could love my spouse with Acts of Service, Gifts, Time, Physical Touch, or Words of Affirmation and if I don’t have LOVE then it’s all for nothing.   If that’s the case, then I want to seek after what it means to actually love…like it’s gold.

 ⁴ Love is patience

Patience can only be developed in the laboratory of frustration.  This is why we need frustrations in our lives.  When I was a young mother I was a very impatient mother.  I thought I had a great deal of love for my children.  I certainly had a great deal of affection for them.  But I had little patience.  I still remember the day when I read this verse and realized that in all of the moments I was impatient with them I was not loving them.  Over the years I began to see that as I was showing patience I was honoring them.  Patience is the way of love.

love is kind 

Kindness is a desire to do good for another.  The dictionary says kindness is, “a good or benevolent nature or disposition.  Having, showing or proceeding from benevolence.  Indulgent considerate or helpful.”  I think it would also include “without an agenda.”  Love is kind without knowing the return on investment.  Kindness is so powerful that it is love even in the face of opposition.

and is not jealous;

Jealousy is characterized by resentment over another person’s success.  Do I want the success of someone who has taunted me?  Do I want good to the one who has hurt me?  I will sometimes struggle here.  But then I remember that sometimes ‘success’ and ‘goodness’ come in the form of hard knocks, when they come to teach life lessons.  I’ve had a few of my own hard knocks and they have been good to me.  I remember we all have our own stories and someone else’s success is not a part of my good story.

love does not brag and is not arrogant,

There is a difference between bragging and sharing your blessing.  Bragging is taking the credit and one-upping others. It’s about your own greatness.  But walking in humility is about understanding your blessings and giving credit to the One who has given all good gifts.

⁵ does not act unbecomingly;

Unbecoming isn’t a word we use much anymore.  It means inappropriate, ill-suited, inapt, incorrect, unacceptable.  Love acts in a way that is considerate of others.

it does not seek its own,

Love does not manipulate others for its own desires.  When I make requests of others, it needs to be clear of all expectation.  They need to be free to say yes or no, without repercussions.  I still believe that I can seek my own desires.  It’s more that I can’t put that on someone else with coercive tactics.

is not provoked, 

Love acts, it does not react.  It does not make a decision based on fear, anger, or grief.  It determines the way of goodness and moves toward it.

does not take into account a wrong suffered, 

Wounds are deep and painful.  I want to protect my wound so it heals and so that I don’t get hurt again.   But Love steps into truth and moves toward what is right.  Sometimes that means to forgive and forget.  Other times that means we say ‘no more’ for the sake of everyone involved.

⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

Lies are death.  Truth honors.  Truth honors my pain, my experience, and my humanity.  It sets me free to be exactly who I was created to be; imperfectly perfect.

⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

All things.  After going through this list of what love is and what it is not, it now states Love does ‘all things.’   Love bears in patience and kindness.  It believes in patience and kindness.  It hopes in patience and kindness.  And it endures in patience and kindness.  Do I?

⁸ Love never fails;

Never is a very deep promise.  It’s a promise I can stand on.  Remembering that Love doesn’t always change my situation and it doesn’t always change another person.  But when I have loved well, it will never fail to change me.

 

Pursuing Sabbath Rest

Throughout the years I’ve struggled with the ten commandment of keeping the Sabbath.  Early in my Christian walk I didn’t understand why God didn’t want us to do anything on the Sabbath.  I felt like I was on a time-out looking at a blank corner.  As I was raising children, I didn’t know how it would be possible to not work.  Does everyone just not eat one day a week?  Even after my children left the nest, I have wondered what is the point of doing nothing?

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I have realized it’s not about doing nothing.  The point of it really isn’t even making sure I don’t do any ‘work’ by making sure I don’t lift a finger.   It’s about refreshment through connection with God, others, and self.  I can be so task-oriented that I lose my connections throughout the week. Sabbath is an opportunity to become renewed.  When God sat down on the seventh day, He looked over all that he had created and saw that it was good.  There was enjoyment and satisfaction.  Sabbath is a gift, not a rule.

As I began pursuing refreshment through connections, I found myself easily distracted by left-over undone tasks from the week.  My mind often went blank trying to think of those things that I enjoy doing when faced with a mountain of dishes or emails needing to be returned.

One of the things that has really helped me to pursue refreshment has been to make a Sabbath Task List to ‘get accomplished.’  Now, I know what you are thinking… “this lady is neurotic.”   Well, it’s true…I am.  But I have to work with what I got.  The reality is: I am a full-blooded, task-oriented, goal-driven American and I need to do what helps me the most to ‘accomplish’ rest.  I realize this would not work for some, but it does work for me.  And maybe, if you are a full-blooded, task-oriented, goal-driven American, it might help you as well.

Here’s what my ‘task-list’ includes:

Worship at church (and throughout the day)
Take a nap
Read an extra chapter
Sit in the Jacuzzi
Find a Scripture to meditate on for the week
Take a walk outside and breathe fresh air
Do something artistic
Call extended family members
Message my head (takes only a couple of minutes but oh so sweet!)
Celebration lunch or dinner with friends
Play a game (with another human not on electronics)
Write a hand-written note to someone I love
Take an inventory of the week (the good, the hard and the messy that I need to amend)

My list is not so much of a ‘task’ list as it is a reminder of the things that refresh my soul.  I often can’t get to doing everything on my list and that’s alright.  I have pursued refreshment and connection and at the end of the day I am satisfied.

Help! My Spouse is Addicted

Addiction is a killer.  It’s a killer of relationship, dreams, and self.  When your spouse is addicted to something, it doesn’t really matter what it is, it feels like you are losing a competition.  They love something more than you.  The question becomes: How do I respond to my spouses first love that’s killing them and us?

It’s not about you:

First, realize it’s not about you.  ALL addiction starts with wanting to run away from unwanted thoughts, feelings, and memories.  There is something deeply troubling in them that they are running from.  It is possible that they can have deep feelings of affection toward you AND not want to face their pain.  (I chose to not use the word ‘love’ here, because love sacrifices regardless of feelings and it is true that they are not loving  you.)

No Shame

Secondly, shame is the number one emotion that will send a person back into an addiction.  Sometimes, we try to use shame as a means of motivating them to change.  We think, ‘if they just understood how their behavior is hurting me, they would stop.’  But communicating in a shameful way will just send them back into their addiction.

Call Them Higher

Trying to understand what they are running from will help you to heal the wound.  For instance, many people are afraid of not being enough in some capacity.  When you tell them ‘you’re a lousy spouse and only care about yourself,’ they want to run back to a place to feel numb, so they don’t feel their feelings of not being enough.  When you tell them, ‘I see you are struggling, and I believe you can face this hard thing and conquer it,’ they are motivated to rise to the expectation.  It doesn’t always work, but it’s your best shot.

Non-Negotiable

It’s alright to let them know that dealing with the addiction is a non-negotiable.  It may mean 100% abstinence (for things like a substance abuse) or it may mean bringing in accountability to control excess (for things like finances or excessive habits).  Some things really can be non-negotiable or the relationship needs to end.

No Secrecy – Bring in Accountability

Addiction loves secrecy because secrecy is the best environment for addiction to thrive.  You can let your spouse know that for each relapse you will be seeking help from your support community.  When relapse does occur, you then let the next tier know, which can include family, friends, pastors, counselors, or community members.  This is for the purpose of finding help NOT shaming!!!  You’re bringing in people that will offer support not criticism.  The circle of people remains as small as possible and you let your spouse determine how big that circle gets by their sobriety.

Healing the Wound

The ultimate goal is to help heal the wound that is driving the addiction.  When relapse does occur, we begin to explore the question of: What was the emotion going on before relapse?  Rejection? Fear? Loneliness?  THIS is what needs to be healed.  Healing this is what will bring long-term sobriety and make it possible for your relationship to heal.

If your spouse is not willing to face their struggle and their emotions, you may need to make stronger boundaries in hopes they will pursue the healing they need.   Realize there really are some addictions that are so toxic that separation or divorce are really the necessary options.

The most difficult part of this journey is learning how to step out of being offended, when it truly is offensive.  You will need strong and healthy boundaries in place and find a supportive community that will work both as a means of protection for yourself and as a way of calling your spouse higher.

May God give you the strength and wisdom to walk this hard road.

Holding Boundaries

There is much written on the need to set boundaries with harmful people.  There is indeed a learning curve in learning to set boundaries.  We need to understand that a good boundary is not a rule I place on someone else, but it is a decision I’m going to make given someone else’s negative actions.  We need to understand how to make them without becoming the controller.  We also need to understand what is appropriate and what is not.  But the hardest part is not in the setting of boundaries, it is in the holding of boundaries.

There are two kinds of boundary-breakers; the first is the person who just wants what they want and will fight to get it, and the second is the person who will cross a boundary just because it’s there.  Both kinds of boundary-breakers create unhealthy, destructive relationships.

When we finally get strong enough to set a boundary, we believe that if someone really loved us they would adhere to our boundaries.  The truth is, true love does respect another person’s boundaries.  A boundary-breaker is generally not loving but is self-seeking.

Holding a boundary starts by not getting offended at not being loved.  Now, don’t get me wrong…someone who is not respecting your boundaries IS being offensive.  But reacting out of a place of offense isn’t going to help you.  We need to step into a place of love for the offender and hold our boundaries in kindness, because that is what is good for them and for you.  And yes…you can love a person by saying no their desire.  This may be the hardest thing you ever have to do in life.

Now here is where the rubber meets the road: the boundary-breaker isn’t going to like it.  It’s not going to produce warm fuzzy feelings in them for you.  In fact, they may tell you that you are being selfish, controlling, or manipulative.  They may use anger, stonewalling, guilt, or manipulation to get you to change your mind. They may change direction and reject or blame you.  But, the most important thing to do right here (as long as you are physically safe), is to hold the boundary; don’t apologize, don’t explain, don’t get angry, don’t recant…and have a confidence you are doing the right thing. If you are not physically safe to be able to hold a boundary, it’s time to make a safety plan.

Even if you can only project a confidence, while shaking in your boots, that will be good enough.  You see, when you hold a boundary in anger, they will then turn the accusation to you and say, ‘well, she’s just mad and will get over it’ or ‘he’s got such a problem with anger’, and they don’t look at themselves.

Holding a boundary in love is a powerful force.  It leaves the responsibility of reconciliation with the offender (to respect your boundary), while leaving the one offended in a loving and healthy place.  When we set a boundary with a boundary-breaker, we must realize that at some point they will make us hold the boundary.  So, we need to be ready and do it well.

Am I The One In Control?

I received this honest question in a text from a wife in a destructive/abusive marriage.  It’s far too broad and wide to answer in a text so I am writing some thoughts here:

“How is it that my husband is supposedly the blamer/abuser, when I have been the one for years believing he is someone he is not and pressuring him to be that man?”

First, you may or may not have responded to your husbands blame and abuse perfectly.  I don’t know of a single person who has always responded to someone else’s destructive behaviors perfectly…except Jesus.  

But, I would ask you a few questions:

Has he led you to believe he is someone he is not?  Has he said one thing and then done another? Has he said he would protect and care for you, but then been the most destructive person in your life?  OR has he said to you, ‘I am a lazy man and I don’t want to engage as a husband and a father’ and you are ‘pressuring’ him to be someone he doesn’t want to be?  

Secondly, who does the behavior serve?   Does your ‘pressuring him’ take away his voice and his choice?  Or are you pressuring him to keep his word to you? Are your expectations higher than what he is capable of?   Is your ‘control’ because you want the power over him or is it that you don’t want to live under his control?

I think we can have certain ‘common courtesy’ expectations, such as: calling when they will be late, keeping their agreements, taking everyone’s needs/desires into consideration when making decisions, personal hygiene, listening and working on issues and not stonewalling, and please and thank you.  These are things that are ‘common’ in our culture.  To require common courtesy is not being controlling.  They may have to be learned, but they are not too high of an expectation.  

Voice/Choice

We ALL have done destructive behaviors.  Every. One. Of. Us. Humans can be manipulative, selfish, and controlling.  We want what we want when we want it.

Abuse = power and control in taking away someone’s choice and voice.  Abuse is damaging to the human soul, psyche, mind, and body. We can even be abusive/destructive to ourselves and may need to learn healthy choices.  

The follow up question she had was telling:

“I don’t understand his inability to do the simplest things.  Like why should his hygiene even be something I have to bring up?  I am fed up with him not even showering or shaving. When I finally get fed up and ask him to shower, he just ignores me.  I feel like the only option I have left is to make him a spot in the basement to sleep. It feels like I am the controller.”  

My response:

Whenever you get ‘fed up’ look for a boundary to implement.  A boundary is ‘the decision I’m going to make for ME.’ Then you are controlling you and not him.  Give him options. Use ‘I’ and ‘me’ statements. Rather than “you smell and need to take a shower”, say, “I don’t appreciate it when I smell you all night long.  I understand that sometimes you don’t feel like taking a shower. When that’s the case would you please sleep downstairs?” He can always say no, and then you need to make a decision…you sleep downstairs with a space heater, go to a motel, buy a cot and sleep in one of the kid’s rooms, etc.  

Remember, boundaries must be implemented kindly or they come across as you are the one with the problem.  When you hold a boundary in outrage, they will discount your boundary because they think you are just acting impulsively instead of acting decisively.  It can take a long time to learn to hold boundaries firm, confident, and kind, but when you are able to, it makes them far more effective. And yes…you can have boundaries!  They rock!  If when you hold boundaries it is met with further abuse, it is time to consider getting support and creating a safety plan.

Your original question is worthy to think through.  It is possible to attempt to pressure someone to be what we want them to be rather than who they want to be.  There may be desired expectations that need to be let go. But if your expectations have been communicated and agreed to or if your expectations are ‘common courtesy’, then finding your voice and implementing boundaries is not being a controlling person. It’s living in a normal relationship.  

 

How To Change Your Spouse

OK…In all honesty, the title is misleading.  The truth is, you can’t make your spouse change.  But I didn’t think you’d open this post if you saw the title as “Changing Your Spouse Is Hopeless.”  That’s not what you want to hear.  But wait…don’t close this post just yet…it get’s better I promise.

A place where relationships often get messy is in the concept of responsibility.  We need to understand the difference between “responsibility FOR” and “responsibility TO”.  There is a BIG difference between these two ideas.

I know of no place in Scripture that it declares that I am responsible FOR any other person.  Even Adam and Eve each were held responsible for their own choices.  It does say in scripture several times “visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children”, but that’s not saying that the children are responsible for the father’s sins, merely that there is an affect on the children.  Overwhelmingly, Scripture is clear to “one another” each other with love, truth, service, peace, not judging, acceptance, burden bearing, etc.  But the instruction is to ME, not for me to make sure you do it.  As the saying goes, the only person I can change is me.

To focus on changing me requires having healthy boundaries, which is not creating walls or punishments for someone else.  It’s also not putting a rule on your spouse that doesn’t “allow” them to do something.  A healthy boundary is a decision I’m going to make for myself when someone sins against me.

I am only responsible for my thoughts, my opinions, my actions, and my emotions.  But in marriage we sometimes feel responsible for our spouse.  Where our responsibility lies is TO others in caring for and/or providing for them.

In Her Journey, a class helping women in domestic abuse situations, we learn a mantra of “I am responsible for me and you are responsible for you.”  It really is that simple, but oh so hard to live out.

I am not responsible FOR my spouse’s emotions.
I am responsible TO my spouse to be considerate.

I am not responsible FOR my spouse’s actions.
I am responsible TO my spouse to act uprightly.

I am not responsible FOR my spouse’s habits that cause damage.
I am responsible TO my spouse to set healthy boundaries for myself.

I am not responsible FOR someone else breaking promises.
I am responsible TO myself to set healthy boundaries.

I am not responsible FOR my teenager’s demand for the latest thing.
I am responsible TO my teenager to provide necessities.

I am not responsible FOR my 2-year old’s temper tantrum.
I am responsible TO my 2-year old to not provoke him to anger through
 coercion and threatening, but help them with his emotions through 
discipline and instruction.

I am not responsible FOR my friend believing lies.
I am responsible TO my friend to speak the truth.

A husband is not responsible FOR his wife
A wife is not responsible FOR her husband. 
They are each responsible FOR themselves TO one another.

God will not hold us responsible for our spouse’s behavior, but he will hold us responsible for ours (Gal. 6).  And I don’t think it’s going to go too well for you if you point the finger and say, “but she’s (he’s) the one YOU gave me.”

Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes’, and your ‘no’ be ‘no.  Stay on your own side of the street.  Be responsible for you.  And THAT changes everything.

The Purpose of Authority

I think ‘authority’ has gotten a bad rap.   The Bible speaks to both the purpose of authority and the abuse of authority.  We tend to want to throw out the whole thing when authority has been abused.  But that will only lead to anarchy.

The Gospel affirms that God’s plan for humans is not to keep them under His control, but to give them authority to write their own stories within God’s story.  We also see that all authority has its purpose and its limits.  Even God limited himself when he gave man choice in the garden.  Whatever it looks like, we know it does not look like the Gentiles that ‘lord it over’ others, but serves (Matthew 20:25).

So, I did a little word search on the term ‘authority’ in the New Testament and tried to categorize the essence of the purpose of authority.  Now I am aware that we can not have a full understanding of a topic simply by doing a word search, but rather we need to look deeper into the context and such.  Still, I found this interesting…I think I’ll just leave this here for you.

Authority of Jesus

To Teach: Matthew 7:29, Mark 1:22,27, Luke 4:32, 1 Thess. 4:2, Titus 2:15

To Heal: Matthew 8:9, 10:1, Luke 7:8, Luke 9:1,

To forgive sins: Matthew 9:6, Mark 2:10, Luke 5:24

Over demons: Matthew 10:1, Mark 3:15, Mark 6:7, Luke 4:36, Luke 9:1, 10:19

To serve: Matthew 20:24-28, Mark 10:43, Luke 22:26

To Be raised in 3 days: John 2:18, John 10:18

To give life: Luke 5:21, John 17:2, 1 Cor. 15:22,

To Judge (him alone): John 5:22, 27

To lay down his life: John 10:18

To show the Father to the world: John 14:5-14

Over all dominion, authority & power: 1 Cor. 15:24, Col. 2:10, Jude 1:25

Jesus has over the church: Eph. 1:21-22

Authority of the Father:

To set times and dates: Acts 1:7

To throw you into hell after death: Luke 12:5

Authority of husband/wife:

Mutual Authority 1 Cor. 7:4

Wife is not over a husband 1 Tim. 2:12

Authority as Christians:

To make disciples: Matt 28:17-19

To build up: 2 Cor. 10:8, 2 Cor. 13:10

Authority of Elders:

To speak and exhort and reprove these things* with all ^[i]authority. Titus 2:15

*instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age

To preach the gospel not in domination but appeal like a child: 1 Thess: 2:1-7

Keep watch over flock so as to give an account: Heb. 13.17

To command sanctification and love: 1 Thess. 4:2

Authority of humans:

To earn money from work: 1 Cor. 9:1-11

Authority of the Devil:

World’s Kingdom of Authority & Splendor: Luke 4:6

Authority of the Government:

To tax: Luke 20:26, Rom 13:6

God’s servant for good: Rom 13:4

To arrest: Acts 9:14

To govern: Rom. 13:1

To provide a quiet & tranquil life for citizens: 1 Tim. 2:1-3

To bring punishment on a wrong doer: Rom. 13: 4, 1 Peter 2:14

Authority of the Chief Priests:

To arrest & persecute: Acts 26:10,12 (this was reprimanded by Jesus)

Authority of the Angels:

Have positions of authority: Jude 1:6